Hardtalk Interviews Ulaca

That big bald bloke from the Beeb rang me up and told me he wanted to ask me some hard-hitting and controversial questions. He said he would pull no punches and didn't expect me to either. I told him I hadn't got to where I was today by pulling punches and insisted that before the interview was syndicated worldwide I had first dibs on publishing it right here on my website. He said he liked my spunk and suggested we got down to business. This is a verbatim record of what followed:

HT: You've been called the poor man's Hemlock. How did that feel?

U: Who's Hemlock?

HT: Right then, you think you can wriggle out of the tough questions. Try this one. You've also been called the rich man's Fumier. That must have hurt.

U: Yes. But I believe he got over it.

HT: Think you're a humourist, ha? Bloggers have been described as self-absorbed narcissists without friends in the real world who are able to swindle themselves into thinking they're making some kind of difference just because they've found a wall on which to spray-paint their graffiti.

U: I don't think that’s a very nice way to talk about Arianna Stassinopoulos. I remember her when she was on Face the Music. Robin Ray really fancied her. Wasn't Joseph Copper’s dummy keyboard something else?

HT: What got you into blogging then? A desire to change the world?

U: No, I leave that to the guys on GeoExpat.

HT: You haven't answered the question again. What made you start blogging?

U: The fan mail. People were hacking into my email account begging me to do more than leave fatuous comments on Fumie's blog.

HT: So you decided to start your own organ dedicated to publishing all your fatuous reflections, or "insights" as you like to call them?

U: Well, not all of them. I think the public can only take so many at one time.

HT: Tell us a little about your audience. Not that I’ll believe a word of it, as a statistic to a blogger is like a hooker to David Beckham; once you get it down you can do whatever you want with it.

U: Oi! You nicked that quote from Mark Twain.

HT: So, where do all your readers come from?

U: Well, first of all, I'd hesitate to call all of them "readers". I don't think the guys that come from Karachi, Jakarta and Doha are coming for my prose?

HT: That sounds racist. What are they coming for then?

U: To be frank, I'm not sure if they ever actually come.

HT: Why's that? Something wrong with your stat counter?

U: No. It's just that after searching for "Zheng Jie nude", I’m not sure they're getting the kind of satisfaction they're looking for.

HT: That’s a relief.

U: Not for them.

HT: Well, you've evaded my questions so skillfully that we will have to conclude this interview tomorrow.

U: Tomorrow's Saturday. I need to take my daughter to Faust. Let's make it Monday.

HT: Till Monday, Ulaca. Or may I call you Ullie?

U: Tough cop, soft cop, eh? Till Monday, Hardtalk. Or may I call you Butch?