The King
That's the horrific prospect for lovers of the world's greatest chocolate, Cadbury's Dairy Milk, after the recent acquisition by Kraft. For the American food giant is also responsible for the execrable gunge called Vegemite, a rip-off of the King of Spreads – Marmite.
Marmite is so superior to the other stuff in so many ways that it seems churlish to list them. But here are just a few:
1) It tastes good.
2) It tastes of something.
3) It is the most eco-friendly of all foods, being made for many years from brewer's yeast scraped from the bottom of vats in Burton upon Trent.
A look at the origins of Vegemite – try saying the word with a straight face, by the way ... I told you, it's impossible – tells you all you need to know about a product that makes Nutella look like the kind of thing people who waste their money on sun-dried tomatoes, pine nuts, sea salt, organic oranges and free-trade coffee would give up their membership of Amnesty International to get their hands on.
It was shortly after the Great War and survivors of Gallipoli were looking around for something to talk about besides Winston Churchill. You and I, with hindsight, knew this wasn't going to happen, but these blokes were simple folk – Australians – and they thought "Why not get our own back on Winnie and the Poms by shipping them boatloads of stuff that looks like shite and tastes like what shite would taste like if shite were tasteless?"
Unfortunately, all the ships sank and Aussies have been eating the stuff ever since. Actually, as an article in the latest isssue of Change Agent, the magazine of market research company Synovate, tells us, with sales of Vegemite in freefall since 2006, it's one of those things Australians feel honour bound to like – like flip-flops, Holdens and Ned Kelly. (Even Australians draw the line at Nicole Kidman.)
Recently, in the least subtle marketing exercise since Janet Jackson hired Justin Timberlake to boost her flagging sales, Kraft attempted to revive its fortunes down under by getting the public to choose the name for a new product. After one false start – as if "iSnack2.0" would ever catch on – the company settled on the name "Cheesybite", as bland as the paste itself.
Kraft Australia spokessheila Greta Cooper is clearly shitting bricks just six months after the launch, since she declines to give sales figures and has recourse instead to telling us how many bottles have been manufactured.
Marmite is so superior to the other stuff in so many ways that it seems churlish to list them. But here are just a few:
1) It tastes good.
2) It tastes of something.
3) It is the most eco-friendly of all foods, being made for many years from brewer's yeast scraped from the bottom of vats in Burton upon Trent.
A look at the origins of Vegemite – try saying the word with a straight face, by the way ... I told you, it's impossible – tells you all you need to know about a product that makes Nutella look like the kind of thing people who waste their money on sun-dried tomatoes, pine nuts, sea salt, organic oranges and free-trade coffee would give up their membership of Amnesty International to get their hands on.
It was shortly after the Great War and survivors of Gallipoli were looking around for something to talk about besides Winston Churchill. You and I, with hindsight, knew this wasn't going to happen, but these blokes were simple folk – Australians – and they thought "Why not get our own back on Winnie and the Poms by shipping them boatloads of stuff that looks like shite and tastes like what shite would taste like if shite were tasteless?"
Unfortunately, all the ships sank and Aussies have been eating the stuff ever since. Actually, as an article in the latest isssue of Change Agent, the magazine of market research company Synovate, tells us, with sales of Vegemite in freefall since 2006, it's one of those things Australians feel honour bound to like – like flip-flops, Holdens and Ned Kelly. (Even Australians draw the line at Nicole Kidman.)
Recently, in the least subtle marketing exercise since Janet Jackson hired Justin Timberlake to boost her flagging sales, Kraft attempted to revive its fortunes down under by getting the public to choose the name for a new product. After one false start – as if "iSnack2.0" would ever catch on – the company settled on the name "Cheesybite", as bland as the paste itself.
Kraft Australia spokessheila Greta Cooper is clearly shitting bricks just six months after the launch, since she declines to give sales figures and has recourse instead to telling us how many bottles have been manufactured.
"More than 3.4 million jars", she gushes, like the single-celled Kylie Minogue reading from an autocue prepared by sibling Dannii, who inherited the other two.
9 comments:
Love your work.
The local supermarket here in Sydney sells something that looks like Marmite but is called 'Our Mate' apparently the same thing under a different name for copyright reasons. I may try some. It can't be worse than the shark repellant.
Our Mate is the export name given to Marmite in Australia.
I once had an Aussie girlfriend who used to make fried Vegemite sandwiches, the fucking pig.
I find both Vegemite and Marmite vile. I'm a Nutella girl. Maybe also a peanut butter one, thanks to my American upbringing.
Troika, you old sweet-talker. Wonder why she left you.
When I crossed Russia on the Trans-Siberian Railway back in the USSR days, the Brits and Australians used to liven up the somewhat limited diet on the train by bringing out their respective jars of Marmite and Vegemite at breakfast. There would ensue hours of riveting conversation about the relative merits of the two concoctions.
The key to these riveting conversations with the Aussies is to get the "W" word in first. Call them "whingers" before they've mustered their thoughts sufficiently to call you that first and they're as disorientated as a Pavlovian dog with no bell.
As I understand it, both Marmite and Vegemite are by-products of beer production. Perhaps it is the pissy weak urine that passes as beer downunder that makes their pathetic spread such a miserable option.
Joyce: It was my constant demands to cover her in Marmite - not my foul language or bad attitude - both of which I do apologise for (often).
Does Marmite go with fish, then, Mr. T?
Yes, and cheese.
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