Friday, 31 July 2009

EOC

Not Equal Opportunities Commission (or EEOC, as it's known in the US), but Equal Opportunities Crime.

That's what gives Hong Kong its edge, I reflected, as I listened to another news report of white collar crime (this one resulting in annual profits of HK$600,000 a year by lending money at interest rates in excess of 500%) which involved equal numbers of men and women; actually, four men and three women, in this case.

As I thought a little more, I realised that this phenomenon isn't limited to Hong Kong but pretty much a characteristic of modern China as a whole. How many times do you hear of snakeheads in Fujian smuggling people into the European Union in closed container trucks and women are not well represented among the organisers?

And what of those who don't quite make it as career criminals? Well, there's always the entertainment industry or the chair of the Hong Kong General Chamber of Commerce.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

SCMP Continues to Flog "Financial Crisis"

While others succumb to the reality of a world doing quite well, really, thank you, Malcolm McCombover at the South China Morning Post continues to flog the dead horse of global recession.

The latest "extraordinary speaker" being wheeled out to help us "understand the financial crisis" is one Malcolm Gladwell, who stands beaming oafishly at the reader looking like Coco the Clown after a hair transplant.



If you're currently on your summer hols, you needn't worry, as Malcolm is promising a special members price of HK$5,200 for those who don't get back until August, so long as they email to him for enquiries, naturally.

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Would-be Saviour Types

Fritz Reck-Malleczewen reflects in January 1940 on news (apocryphal as it turned out) of Unity Mitford's suicide:

"... male hysterics do quite enough damage when they get into history. But females who manage to get up on the heights are even worse. And worst of all among them are the would-be saviour type. We have enough of this species, titled 'Nazi-esses' by the man in the street. England has another class of this genus, a type of female who clutches Herr Gandhi's white loincloth."

I was immediately put in mind of that woman in Dicky Attenborough's film who dotes on the loinclothed lawyer.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

The Diary of a Man in Despair

Not a description of this blog, but the title of a book by Friedrich ("Fritz") Reck-Malleczewen. Born into the minor nobility in East Prussia (up by what is now the Lithuanian border) in 1884, Reck-Malleczewen moved at an early age to Upper Bavaria, where he owned an estate on Lake Kriem. A doctor and a writer (most notably of children's books), he died by a shot in the neck in Dachau in 1945.

The title of the book is rather misleading in one sense, as its tone is anything but morose. Even the pessimism (he foresaw the certainty of his own death) is spiky and defiant. In some ways, the book is reminiscent of Sebastian Haffner's Defying Hitler: A Memoir – the major difference being that while Haffner escaped from Germany in 1938, Reck-Malleczewen stayed behind and suffered the inevitable consequences of his refusal to buy into the intoxicating unity demanded of the German populace.

In this extract, from 9 September 1937, the author talks of the importance of the principled "No":

"In Germany, whose Hitler regime is simply a massive attempt to prolong the existence of mass-man, the target [of popular violence] will be that small elite which has done more harm to this regime with its principled 'No' than all the Chamberlain policy of impotence and endless appeasement. I believe that our martyrdom, the fate reserved for our little phalanx, is the price for a rebirth of the spirit, and that realising this, we can hope for no more good during what remains of our ruined and brutalised lives on earth than that there may be meaning to the manner of our deaths."

Monday, 27 July 2009

Calibrating Crap

"I could have calibrated those words differently."

Thus spake the president of the US and A. There's only one thing more worrying than him mangling the English language and that's him leaping in to get involved in matters that have nothing to do with him.

Badly advised, incredibly naïve, hopelessly inexperienced? Not a good portent for the future dealings of the world's "most powerful" man.

Friday, 24 July 2009

The Reader

The Reader is a good film, up there with Revolutionary Road. After a brief respite in the latter, Kate Winslet is back doing what she does best in the former, taking her kit off.

The first half of the film is one long sex scene, with Kate and the German kid doing it in all sorts of positions, some of which were new to me. Some might call it pornographic, but Kate has more the body of an artist's model than a porn star, and I for one find it difficult to get turned on by her small, dark aureolae topped off by none too becoming nipples. All on a foundation of rather saggy breasts.

Having got that out of the way, artistically the sex is necessary, though whether quite so much, and so many and diverse positions, are necessary, I'm not so sure. I was lucky inasmuch as I knew virtually nothing of the film before I saw it courtesy of Cathay Pacific on the small screen. Those of you who haven't seen it yet and would like to remain in the same position I was in might like to stop reading now.

Essentially, The Reader is a very simple film. Boy meets older woman, does it in lots of positions and fulfills what appears to be a foreplay fetish (or sometimes, if they're too hot to wait, an afterplay fetish) by reading aloud to her from various books. Fast forward eight years or so and the kid is about to qualify as a lawyer. Imagine his shock when he turns up at a Nazi trial and one of the accused is his ex lover. She was a concentration camp guard, who, upon the evacuation of the camps in the winter of 1944-45, was charged with leading the Jewish wraiths on a death march round the countryside while trying to avoid the Russians. Overnighting in a village, the guards – there are five in total – lock their prisoners in a church, which then burns down, killing everyone inside bar one.

In typical Nazi bureaucratic style, a report is filed for Berlin, in which the incident is faithfully recorded, thus condemning the writer to life behind bars. But who wrote it? The other four say it was our Kate, and when she steps onto the stand she agrees with them. The catch is that our German knows she couldn't have written it because she's illiterate. Hence all that reading. His dilemma is whether to intervene and save her, thus wrecking his career, or to say and do nothing. He decides to do nothing.

What the film shows well is Kate's transition from shame at her illiteracy to guilt at her involvement in mass murder. What it doesn't handle so well (or maybe the point is that there's nothing clear cut to handle and it must remain true to its subject matter) is the German's feelings and motives. Yes, he can't hold down a relationship, but I wanted to know why he didn't feel a complete bastard. He appears to salve his conscience by reading aloud onto tape a prodigious number of books and sending them to her in prison, whereby she finally learns to read and write.

My ambivalence about the German was exacerbated by the fact that, when he reaches early middle age and becomes Ralph Fiennes, he sounds like a man doing a Bruno impression. By the time he's aged a bit and visits Kate in jail, he sounds like a man doing a Ralph Fiennes impression. Is the director trying to show us how successful he has become as a lawyer by causing him to lose his German accent?

Finally, the time comes for Kate to be released. As we have come to expect from prison-based dramas from Porridge to The Shawshank Redemption, she is suffering from the effects of institutionalisation and clearly will have difficulties readjusting to normal life. But – and this is where the film is at its strongest – her real problem is not institutionalisation but the fact that she has nothing left to live for. She has learned to read and write, and she has no wish to confront other people and their demons when she has spent long years confronting her own. And so she kills herself, and it somehow seems right.

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Judgement Throne

There are a lot of pretty crappy books written about CS Lewis, but I never thought I'd get to read one that brought crap to its "analysis" of the great man's work.

This distinction belongs to a certain Marta Garcia de la Puerta, from the University of Vigo in Galicia, Spain, who may have done her doctorate in English philology, but who doesn't know her arse from her elbow when it comes to discussing the landscape of Narnia in a recent collection on Lewis.

Referring to the unknown lands at the end of the earth, De la Puerta writes that these were "organised around certain recurring coordinates: plentiful vegetation, fabulous riches in gold and gems, monsters and fantastic animals and lands of a scatological kind".

Since she then goes on to talk about "spaces structured like Hell" and "Paradise", one can only imagine she means eschatological, i.e. relating to the end times. In loo of that, I'm afraid I'm stuck.

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Free Range Black Pepper

Among all the people at Turnberry who were rooting for Tom Watson to be crowned Open Champion two months short of his 60th birthday, I had a special reason for disappointment.

On each of the other two occasions on which I'd spent four days at the Open Championship, in 1982 and 1983, Tom Watson had won. By over-hitting that approach to the 18th green on Sunday, Watson has denied me the opportunity of boring my grandchildren with stories of how I attended three Opens over a span of 27 years all won by the same gap-toothed Kansan.

That would have been as rare an occurrence as chancing upon another peck of free range black pepper, which my daughter was chuffed to find listed as one of the ingredients of her roast chicken salad sandwich as sold by the Shell filling station in Dumfries.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

Ulaca Blog of the Year Election Cum Celebration of Nearly Two Years as a Blog Itself Awards

Welcome to live streaming from the UK awards ceremony.

... and now the part that you've all been waiting for, the announcement of the winners in this year's Ulaca Blog of the Year Election Cum Celebration of Nearly Two Years as a Blog Itself Awards. Competition has been stronger than ever this year, with entrants from all over the world, including Burkina Faso, Vanuatu, Wales and Tai Po.

The first category we will be honoring* tonight is Best Blog by a Chef with a Thing for Rather Scary Looking Women with Tattoos. And the award goes to:

Chopped Onions [sound of frying scoops being banged together]

Second up, Best Foreign Blog. There were many worthy entrants in this category, but none that match the blend of Al Gore-baiting, anthropogenic climate change-scepticism and general loony left-bashing of

Ayrdale

Next, a very special award for Best Blog by a Journalist Married to a French Chef:

Joyceyland

Very little competition for the next award. Nicest Blog goes for the eighth year in a row to:

Batgung

The next award is brand new this year and we were certainly not let down by the quality as well as the quantity of the entries. Eventually, though, we had to narrow it down to just one blog. Just edging out Gweipo, the winner of Hardest Blog to Keep Up With Because Every Time You Look At Your Sidebar He's Made Another Post is:

Spike

The next award goes to The Blogger Who's Caused the Most Disappointment by Stopping Posting Thereby Severely Curtailing the Number of Hits Other Blogs Get:

See Lai [cries of "Come back, Ron!", "Oh, yes, Big Boy, mmm, need it!"]

The award for Doggedness In Pursuit Of Clearer Schedules Being Published Well In Advance By Hong Kong's Television Companies (Including, Though Not Limited To, Terrestrial, Digital, Cable and Satellite) goes yet again to:

Ordinary Gweilo

For Least Reliable Bastard For Actually Linking To You When He Says He Will:

Chase me ladies, I'm in the cavalry

For Best Site by a Minority Shareholder Activist With a Surprisingly Droll Sense of Humor**:

Webb-site

Just two more categories to go, ladies and gentlemen, until we come to our final award for Best of the Best. The Ant & Dec Award for Best Blog by a Newcastle United Supporter goes to:

Hong Kong or Bust

Unfortunately, HKOB has been relegated this year, after winning the Sham Shui Po Person's I Love Him-I Love Him Not I Love Him-I- Love-Him-Not Award last year.

In the next category, we have a tie! The winner, oops! winners of the SINBAD Award are:

Evie

and

Lola in Hong Kong

Finally, the one you've all been waiting for. And I'm sure it'll be well worth the wait when our Grand Award Winner is finally unveiled. [drumroll] The Best Blog by an Islamic Woman With a Really Hot Bod and Pencil-eraser Nipples Dying to Burst Out from That Burqa and Be Photographed by Ron goes to

Only joking! Without further ado, the Ulaca™ ® for our top award, the Best Swedish Blog with Links Every Day to the Hong Kong Standard goes to:

Fumier

* Bloody Yankee spelling – how did that get in?

** and that

You want the links. Check the sidebar, you lazy gits!

Tuesday, 14 July 2009

World Blog Awards

After a flight during which I showed how much I appreciated the upgrade by sleeping through what is euphemistically called breakfast by British Airways, I have now arrived in the UK for the World Blog Awards.

My idea of an early night went out of the window when I ran into an old university friend, who now helps stage major sporting events. A useful fellow to know, after my last attempt to book tickets for a Premier League match, which ended with HSBC's hatchet men knocking down doors in Andorra as the money was successfully charged back to the merchant's banker amid a flurry of shattered patellae.

Counting will continue throughout the night for the Awards, with the results being announced this evening (BST). Some of you guys are in the running, I have been told, off the record. Check by for the results, hot off the press, as soon as they're released.

Monday, 13 July 2009

There's Nothing Like an Aussie Whinge

On the day when Mark Webber finally won his first Grand Prix after 763 attempts, his compatriots bottled it on the final day of the first Ashes Test against England in Wales.

England had been so feeble in this match that you'd have fancied Charlotte Church and the Treorchy Male Voice Choir to get them out on Sunday. But the Green and Yellows started bowling as badly as England had batted and it was left to the unlikely pair of James Anderson and Monty Panesar to hang on for a glorious draw.

After the match, Aussie captain Ricky Ponting was in full whinge mode, saying it just wasn't cricket that Anderson had twice asked the twelfth man to bring him a change of batting gloves. Punter, don't you know how bloody hot it can get in Cardiff at 6.30 of a summer's evening?

Crikey! Is mental disintegration all they teach you at coaching seminars these days, mate?

The Catcher in the Rye

I just finished this goddamn book. Still got the same tatty copy with the silver cover published in 1971 by Penguin. The book was given to me by this teacher when I was twelve years old and recovering from a serious illness.

Two bits I specially like after all these years. First, this stuff about phoneys from page 145:

"You take somebody that cries their goddam eyes out over phoney stuff in the movies, and nine time out of ten they're mean bastards at heart, I'm not kidding."

Then, there's this saying some guy obviously worked hard at to make it look like it just came out natural and easy but I still think it's worth repeating:

"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature one is that he wants to live humbly for one."

Like I said, a bit presumptuous and all, but true as heck.

Saturday, 11 July 2009

Webbie for Chief Executive

The Webbmeister is in splendid form on the unaccountable (and un-accounted) goings-on at the loss-making, facts-masking Mickey Mouse disaster funded by you and me.

If only he would do a Zeman and trade in his British passport for a Chinese one. He'd be on the NPC within a year and president of the PRC before you could say "Walt Disney are laughing all the way to the bank".

If people ask you how can China ever obtain democracy, now you can tell 'em.

Friday, 10 July 2009

Hong Kong - the Foreigner's World City

One of the pleasures of working as a writer in Hong Kong is that there's always plenty of work. I recently received the English translation of some of those preachy bits that Chinese people are so fond of. You know the kind of thing. If you're watching a promo on the telly, you know they're building up to a chanted version when the 13 people involved in the 20-second ad suddenly appear together wearing the same T-shirt. Up go the fists and off we go with the chant.

This time round it's a 2010 planner calendar that's landed on my desk. For anyone who's new to Hong Kong or wants to understand the local mindset, the captions are something of a gem, I think. So much so, I was tempted to leave them as they are on the basis that they were impossible to better. Here are Feb, Oct and Nov:

The streets are full of white collars and stylish people. They are walking ahead of others, that's why Hong Kong is always at the forefront.

The foreigner beside me wants to visit the Legislative Council and asked me whether this is the right stop. Before he gets off, he said to me: "Hong Kong is a liberal place!"

Looking out at the tall buildings, a lot of new developments have evolved in the new territories while the human touch and peacefulness remains unchanged.

I wonder what firebrand hacks and rural activists would make of the last two in particular.

Thursday, 9 July 2009

500th Post and Still Going Strong?

This is my 500th post. I thought long and hard but couldn't think of any better way to celebrate than by paying tribute to someone who also sees himself as "friend first, boss second, probably an entertainer third", Mr David Brent.

The first scene of the first episode sets the tone for the whole thing (14 episodes in toto). Watching the pilot episode he did for the Beeb, on which the first episode is largely based, you can see the comic genius (and the attention to detail) at work. Originally, the very first line was "I don't give crappy jobs". This was changed to "I don't give shitty jobs". Try saying it yourself and you'll see how much better it is. And what can one say about the glorious lack of self-knowledge that is already manifesting itself in the reckless misuse of jargon phrases such as AKA and vis-à-vis?

The segment from 00.30 - 1:45 is as good as it gets.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Right Said Fred

Young wag Fred Vincy channels George Eliot's thoughts in Middlemarch:

"I never can make out what you mean by a prig," said Rosamond.

"A fellow who wants to show that he has opinions."

"Why, my dear, doctors must have opinions," said Mrs. Vincy. "What are they there for else?"

"Yes, mother, the opinions they are paid for. But a prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions."

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Fog at the Gap

I'm generously putting it down to being shrouded in mist for nine months of the year, but the Hong Kong Cricket Club, perched up there on Wong Nai Chung Gap, appears distinctly befuddled in the last issue of the club magazine before all those Aussie mums and toddlers take their summer break.

I'm not referring to the full-page ad taken out by one Mark Burns, the benighted tournament director of the Hong Kong Cricket Sixes, held for the last eight years at the postage-stamp Kowloon Cricket Club. The Sixes have been fighting for survival since the withdrawal of powerhouse title sponsors Cathay Pacific Airways and Standard Chartered Bank, who jointly funded the event until pulling the plug in 2007.

Burns tries to put a positive spin on a increasingly bleak looking financial situation that could see "Time" called on the Sixes once the current three-year TV deal runs out next year, doing his best Alastair Campbell impression as he asks affluent Gappers to read his lips:

"There's never been a better time to become involved commercially in cricket and position yourself for the economic upturn."

Personally, I think he'd have more chance with the Bob Geldof approach: "Give us yer money!"

Actually, it's only a couple of months since Burns was sounding far glummer about the economy, referring to the "challenging economic environment". No harm in hedging his bets, I suppose, just in case he fails to land any title sponsorship between now and October and is faced with the prospect of justifying his own salary to an increasingly cash-strapped Hong Kong Cricket Association, still reeling from its own share-splitting scandal.

At least Burns doesn't go as far as the chief executive officer of marketing agency Fluid Group, Simon "Damp" Squibb, one of three groups the HKCA, taking a break from its own racially-tinted squabbles, has tasked with bringing a title sponsor on board. Squibb (do names get any better than this?), proves he's a dab hand with a quill, bringing tears to many readers eyes, I'm sure, with his lament for those companies that are "feeling the pain of a damaged brand due to the financial crisis".

No, what I was referring to was a flyer included with the latest issue of The Pinkun, giving details of the Cricket Club's junior tennis programme. Or trying to.

Here's how the missive started (block capitals in the original):

"THERE ARE 3 TERM’S PER YEAR AND I UNDERSTAND THAT UNLESS I NOTIFY THE COACHES IN WRITING THAT MY CHILD WELL BE CONTINUALLY ENROLLED IN THE PROGRAMME. ALL WITHDRAWALS MUST BE WRITTEN AND ACCEPTED BY E-MAIL OR IN HAND BY A STAFF MEMBER OTHERWISE YOUR ACCOUNT WILL BE DEBITED FOR THE NEXT TERM."

Clear as the fog at the gap.

Monday, 6 July 2009

Life in the Time of Cholera

Yesterday I finished Middlemarch, George Eliot's best known book. It's superb. Jane Austen with extra edge. Although writing in the early 1870s, Eliot even sets the book in the Austen era – well, almost, it's set in the years leading up to the Reform Act of 1832. A train-free (more or less) sepia-tinged era of carriages, cholera and the Duke of Wellington.

Although there are some humorous stock characters, the tone of the book is sombre and dark, as the author holds a mirror up to rural society, exposing shallowness and hypocrisy and dissecting two unhappy marriages. Unhappiness and marriage were two subjects Eliot knew much about, even if her knowledge of the latter was largely restricted to living with a married man and passing herself off as his wife.

In a twist worthy of her writing, when she did finally get married aged 60, she died just a few months later.

Friday, 3 July 2009

All Kindness is but Justice

More quaint but interesting stuff from George MacDonald's fantasy for children, At the Back of the North Wind. MacDonald (1824-1905) was arguably the single greatest influence on the thought of C S Lewis.

"'But I wasn't brave of myself,' said Diamond, whom my older readers will have already discovered to be a true child in this, that he was given to metaphysics. 'It was the wind that blew in my face that made me brave. Wasn't it now, North Wind?'

'Yes; I know that. You had to be taught what courage was. And you couldn't know what it was without feeling it: therefore it was given you. But don't you feel as if you would try to be brave yourself next time?'

'Yes, I do. But trying is not much.'

'Yes, it is – a very great deal, for it is a beginning. And a beginning is the greatest thing of all. To try to be brave is to be brave. The coward who tries to be brave is before the man who is brave because he is made so, and never had to try.'

'How kind you are, North Wind!'

'I am only just. All kindness is but justice'.'

Shades of Lion Feuchtwanger in the view taken on courage.

Thursday, 2 July 2009

Any Country That Props Up Its Economy by Selling Visas Will End Up Like This

It's a shibboleth, or, as Elton John would say, a human sign that things are going to go pear-shaped, when a country like the People's Republic of China makes a living by charging people to enter their country.

Fundamentally, have already gone pear-shaped, in fact – the symptoms are just not showing yet.

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Mother and Father Make a Home

"... next to his own home, he had never seen any place he would like so much to live in as that sky. For it is not fine things that make home a nice place, but your mother and your father."

(At the Back of the North Wind, George MacDonald)