Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Cambridge Law Graduate Crowned Miss Kong

I dream of a world living in peace through the adoption of alternative dispute resolution alongside traditional hourly-billed litigation

Friday, 28 August 2015

ISIS Explains Why Palmyra Had to Be Razed

All traces of barbaric peoples must be destroyed…save one

Friday, 21 August 2015

Saturday, 15 August 2015

Bic in New Scandal as it Offers Different Apologies to Men and Women

We offer a firm handshake to the fellows and a hug to the girls while copping a peek of their cleavage

Friday, 14 August 2015

Kevin Lau Makes Further Demands of Police, Interpol and the Mossad

They must not rest until they have hunted down The Tooth Fairy, Father Christmas, The Loch Ness Monster, Lord Lucan, Shergar and The Mastermind Behind The Assault on Hong Kong's Press Freedom

Thursday, 13 August 2015

Will Hong Kong's Hacks Exercise Censorship over Kevin Lau Attack?

Just wondering, as the Internet is abuzz with rumours that the darling of the local branch of the fourth estate was attacked for reasons having absolutely nothing to do with press freedom.

Maybe it's time for Asia's self-styled bastion of investigative journalism to stop repeating stupid slogans like "You can't kill us all" (as if a) anyone would feel the need to kill these careerists and b) anyone has died in the first place) and do an in-depth piece on the reason for the attack on Kevin Lau Chun To (劉進圖).

Who knows? Maybe even the BBC will replace its daft, onanistic reporting with something from Planet Earth.     

Monday, 10 August 2015

Donald Trump Praises Mexicans

                           They're doing my canvassing for me

Monday, 3 August 2015

Blatter Responds to Putin’s Nobel Prize Suggestion

If I deserve one for Fiction, Vladimir, you deserve one for Peace

Saturday, 1 August 2015

Magistrate Tries to Make Breast of Difficult Situation

If the defence focus on the fact that I banged this woman up for falsely accusing a police officer of assault rather than actually assaulting him, then I suppose I could look a right tit

Thursday, 30 July 2015

HKU to Enter Synchronised Swimming Team at World Championships

Led by Prof Lo Chung Mau, we look forward to benchmarking ourselves against the world's best

A HKU insider has confirmed that Prof Lo is also considering entering the diving competition. More here:

Such a shame that a man's health should deteriorate so badly in just three years. From running marathons to this.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

A Review of Endeavour (AKA Young Morse)

Such was the phenomenal success of the Inspector Morse television series that it has spawned two spin-offs, Lewis, starring – if that is quite the right word for the kind of guy mum would frankly be a bit disappointed by if daughter brought him home for Sunday lunch when she had gone to all the trouble of dolling herself up for a bit of innocent flirting – Kevin Whately, Morse’s sidekick in the original series, and Endeavour

Endeavour is to Inspector Morse what the later Star Wars films are to the peerless late 70s and early 80s originals, that is, a type of prequel. The fact that Endeavour works as well as it does is, I think, more of an indictment of shows of the quality of Midsomer Murders and Inspector Lynley than a reflection of its merits. For, though it has merits, it has plenty of weaknesses too, most notably in the overriding quality of sameness that pervades the nine episodes that have been screened so far. 

Much of this sameness can be put down to the fact that whereas the Inspector Morse episodes were penned by a variety of writers, including Anthony Minghella, Julian Mitchell and Alma Cullen, one man, Russell Lewis, the brains behind the series, writes every Endeavour episode. 

Another weakness lies in the decision to recreate the Sergeant Lewis role. Since Morse remains a Detective Constable throughout the series and can therefore have no subordinate, unless you count the tea ladies and typing pool, what this means is that his putative superior, Detective Inspector Fred Thursday (honestly!), must play the part of Morse’s acolyte. He even has a rather tasty daughter whom he is more than willing to offer up on the altar of Morse’s Deity. Not that she needs much arm-twisting, as she flirts outrageously with the demigod whenever he steps inside their comfy semi in Oxford’s leafy suburbs. 

Unfortunately, she is out of luck, as young Morse is able to satisfy his carnal desires with first a blonde blue stocking who always had the hots for Endeavour when he was up at Oxford and then a bit of the black stuff, a first generation emigrant from the West Indies who obviously doesn’t get enough from the doctors at the Ratcliffe Infirmary. Yes, this is a very different beast from the model of moroseness who sauntered his lugubrious way across 33 episodes of the parent series, brushing off every attempt to get him in the sack. 

Shaun Evans, the actor who plays young Morse, has gone on record as saying that he never watched an episode of Inspector Morse, and it shows. Not only is he a demon in bed, but he solves cases in the manner of a magician (a dearth of clues in the series means that rabbits are regularly being pulled out of the hat), and he’s a right clever dick, putting the Regius Professor of Archeology in his place when he says that Bede was around at the time of the Norman Invasion. 

Venerable Bede may have been, but not clairvoyant,” he wisecracks as his boss, Superintendent Bright (by name, but assuredly not by nature – there can only be one shining star in the Oxonian Constellation), wrings his hands and lights another cigarette. While Thursday specialises in homespun gobbledegook, Bright has perfected the clichéd non-sequitur delivered in the manner of Jimmy from The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin

Anyone who saw what a mess Inspector Morse got into after they parted ways with the original pathologist, Max DeBryn, played by Peter Woodthorpe, won’t be surprised that they created a clone for the sequel, rummaging through the wardrobe to find bow-tie, glasses, duffel coat, one-liners and gruff exterior covering heart of gold before endowing them on an entity to which they gave the name James Bradshaw. 

As for the music, you could be listening to Classic FM’s All-time Top Twenty, as we are treated to lashings of masses (Mozart, Fauré and Brahms) and your favourite arias from Puccini, Verdi and Delibes, before there is an attempt to educate us in the final programme with an obscure setting of the Nunc Dimittis by Purcell. Which gives me an excuse to roll out my favourite Classic FM joke. Henry Kelly (in jaunty Irish brogue) as a piece fades out: “And that was Dvorak – but I’m not sure who it was by!” 

But back to Endeavour and my favourite Morse moment? I think it has to be when the beautiful epileptic bird asks him to go to bed with her and our hero picks up his book of verse and reads Tennyson to her instead. As Jimmy Wheeler used to say, that’s “Shalott”!

Monday, 27 July 2015

Lead Poisoning Set to Become the New Dyslexia

Is Kelvin suffering from lead poisoning, doctor?

There is no cause for concern, Mrs Wong. He's just dumb

Friday, 24 July 2015

Man Loses it Over Shrimps Left on Bus

My transport and logistics mole sent me a piece last night which he knew was guaranteed to brighten my morning. Apparently some bloke who lives over on Hong Kong Island (yes, it is a story about an over-developed sense of entitlement) wrote to the company that runs buses over there to complain that he had lost his dinner.

Surprisingly, given the way bus drivers are given to flipping their vehicles over at high speed, this was not a case of throwing up the contents of a repast just taken, rather it was a sad story of a fellow who left his bag of shrimps on the seat next to him when he got off the bus. (Serves him right, I hear you say, for not thinking about the next person who had to sit on the gungy mess he had left!)

Well, the fellow walks off home, only to realise he is sans shrimps. Returning to the bus station five minutes later, he asks one of the bus company employees to check the upper deck where he had been sitting. To no avail. Alas, the red plastic bag beloved of Hong Kong's wet marketeers has been removed, whether by an opportunistic fellow passenger or the cleaner, I am afraid we shall probably never know.

Rather than accepting his lot - or popping into the nearest market to replenish his shrimp stock - the Islander turned on the bus company staff and accused them of nicking the shrimps to supplement their own supper. Not satisfied with their avowals of ignorance of the existence of said bag of shrimps, when he gets home he writes to the top honcho at the bus company, repeating his accusation and demanding he "investigate the case" and give him "a report ASAP". 

But, there's more. He concludes his letter by telling the top dog that he "reserves the right" to pass the "case" onto the police and claim compensation.

Not unnaturally, I am thinking of passing my file on this fellow onto CY Leung. Surely he could find a place in his cabinet for someone whose orbit follows a similar inter-planetary trajectory to his own?

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

Medical Chief Defends Staff in Latest Hospital Blunder

          The machines have been particularly liverish of late

CY Explains why Lau Kong Wah Will Make Great Member of His Team

Well, he’s a loser, has no principles and has deep-seated political prejudices

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Toshiba Boss Resigns in Wake of Accounting Scandal

Unfortunately, the most innovative part of our operations has been our book-keeping

Friday, 17 July 2015

Tennis Australia Admits to not Knowing its Arshe from its Elbow

Tennis Australia (TA), embroiled in a long-running spat with it seems the whole of the Tomic family, have done what many considered impossible by descending to lower levels of behaviour than the overpaid stars they are meant to be responsible for.

In fact, TA racked up enough code violations to see them defaulted from further involvement in the game when first one of its staff mischievously wrote that world number 25 Bernard Tomic was playing in a Hall of Shame tournament, and then the suits decided that telling the truth is not the way modern, “inclusive”, ethical Australians should behave.  

Rather than saying, “Fair dinkum, mate! We’ve had a word with the person who did this, telling them it wasn’t as funny as it seemed at the time”, TA have called the deliberate changing of “Fame” to “Shame” a “typo”. But they don’t just stop there. One of those Aussie suits has obviously been on a “Thinking Outside the Box” course as well as a “Try to Treat the Abos Like They Contribute Fully to Society” course.

The explanation given as to how those errant letters “Sh” fought a running battle with poor old letter “F” and overcame it after a gruelling tie-breaker is the stuff of legend. They blame the fact that the tournament whose result came up on the results website before the Hall of Fame tournament was called – wait for it, it’s worth savouring – the Sharm El Sheikh tournament.

But there’s more.

The Sharm El Sheikh tournament was won by a bloke called Astra Sharma. Geddit?!

All these sibilants should, say TA, shqueezing their legs together so they don’t pee their pants, “provide some explanation as to how this error occurred”.

Speaking of legends, Dawn Fraser, who won swimming gold at three consecutive Olympics and who obviously didn’t attend Tennis Australia’s Inclusiveness training programme, may have been onto something when she said that blokes like Tomic (born to parents from the former Yugoslavia) and uber-brat Nick Kyrgios should “go back to where their parents came from”.

Substitute “the suits at TA” for “blokes like Tomic” and “back to their former jobs” for “where their parents came from” and TA has a solution to its problem.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Greek PM Says Greece Will Not Demand Debt Write Off

      We will only ask for it to be written down by 100% 

Monday, 13 July 2015

Tsipras Hails Third Bailout

                                      Beggars can be choosers!