The PhD Industry

In a discussion with Kingley Amis and Brian Aldiss shortly before his death in 1963, CS Lewis described a DPhil thesis (as these things are called at Oxford) in an arts subject such as English Literature as “the discovery of the mare's nest by the pursuit of the red herring”. He goes on:

“Matthew Arnold made the horrible prophesy that literature would increasingly replace religion. It has, and it's taken on all the features of bitter persecution, great intolerance, and traffic in relics. All literature becomes a sacred text. A sacred text is always exposed to the most monstrous exegesis; hence we have the spectacle of some wretched scholar taking a pure divertissement written in the seventeenth century and getting the most profound ambiguities and social criticisms out of it, which of course aren't there at all.”

His conclusion? “It's an industry, you see.”

If Lewis had got his way, the Oxford English Syllabus would have gone no further than 1820 and Jane Austen. While this might seem a bit radical, imagine all those blue-stockings on both sides of the Atlantic who would have had cause to thank him for saving them from having to wade through oceans of bad Victorian books while trying to convince themselves that Moby Dick is the great American novel.

But, you may ask, how could the world live without definitive editions of and critical essays on Joyce, Lawrence, Pound and Eliot?

The answer, I think, is in the question.

Angelina Rules out Lobotomy for Brad Pitt

      Doctors say he is zero risk regardless of family history 

Angelina Jolie Braces Herself for Next Step

                          I want to adopt a new pair

Malaysian PM Announces Measures to Address Prejudice against Chinese after Losing Their Votes

We will introduce a one-child policy so that they will finally be able to meet their quota of government jobs and university places

Time to Learn from the Germans

Even as George Soros (isn’t that a Greek name?) predicts impending recession for the German economy, its football teams continue to carry all before them. The European Cup Final due to be held at Wembley next month will see Bayern Munich square off against Borussia Dortmund – good news for sausage sellers in Neasden.

Not only does the German national team continue to deliver in major tournaments – it would win them all if the 90 minutes were scrapped and teams went straight to a penalty shoot-out – but its national league, which has only been going for 50 years, is the best supported (attendance-wise) – and arguably the best simpliciter  – in the world.

The clubs are generally well run, “wages” still border on the rational, and the percentage of home-grown players is higher than in the English Premier League. The main danger I can see is that Bayern Munich will use its financial muscle to sign all the best players in the league and thus reduce the Bundesliga to a one-team show.

The situation in Spain – pathetic crowds, clubs in financial disarray – already stands as a warning as to what can happen when the same two sides win the league every year, not to mention, what can happen when the TV money is not dished out equitably, but to the richest clubs. (Richest for how long, one might ask, in view of such a short-sighted policy?) One suspects the Germans will find a way to keep their golden goose without killing it.

So, does the double whammy of heavy defeats for Barcelona and Real Madrid by German clubs really represent a changing of the guard in European football? Assuming Munich and Dortmund get through their away ties next week, the bare bones of the matter is that we will have a German winner of the European Cup this year just as we had an English winner last year. And just how much significance should we attach to that, given that Chelsea beat both Barcelona and Munich on the way?

Well, first, it’s as well to point out that the “English” team fielded just four English players in last year’s final (against Munich’s eight), and that in their last meaningful game of this season’s campaign, that number was down to two. Compare that with the two German sides, who this week fielded a total of 13 players qualified to play for their country.    

        

The German league ticks many of the boxes football fans around the world, as well as advertisers, sponsors and television executives are concerned about: high quality football, star names, full stadia, a rollicking atmosphere and kick-off times that are friendly to the cash cow which is the East Asian viewer (given that Germany is one hour ahead of British time, arguably more friendly, in fact).  

It may seem an unlikely scenario, but so, once, did the demise of another great English institution, Ever Ready batteries: how long before the television rights go the way of the spluttering England national team, and the “English” premier league clubs become little more than feeders to clubs in other countries?    

Seven Psychopaths

Seven Psychopaths is a black comedy from the team that brought us the 2008 black comedy In Bruges. This time round, director, Martin McDonagh makes use of the film within a film conceit to compose a variation on the gangsta angst theme.

This is no thriller, nor is it a serious study of the psychology of a psychopath – or of anything else for that matter.  But it is saved from being nothing more than a piece of fluff by a decent script, assured direction, nice location work and some committed performances from the cast.

Colin Farrell is solid in the Cary Grant role of the guy caught up in stuff he can’t make head nor tail of, Sam Rockwell excels as a “dognapper” who hankers to spread his wings a bit, but it’s Woody Harrelson and Christopher Walken who steal the show.  

It may be 36 years now since Walken first slipped into the nutjob character which was fated to fit him like a straight-jacket, but his turn as a Quaker who has done his vicarious porridge is worth the admission money on its own. Almost as good is Harrelson, who, though giving away 15 years or so in the loon apprenticeship stakes, conveys his character’s increasing fragility and ultimate lack of menace with skill.

I can think of many worse way to spend two hours of a Sunday afternoon.             

Liverpool FC Defend Three Bites and You’re Out Policy

             If it were Jonjo Shelvey, sure we’d have sacked him

Liverpool FC Face the Press after Taking Steps to Control Luis Suarez

               Won’t this just encourage him to cone referees?

Caped Crusader Comes Clean

                                   I always hankered after a little robbin'

BYD’s Unlucky Run Continues

China’s electric vehicle manufacturer, BYD, isn’t having much luck with its products. Last year, in Shenzhen, one of its electric taxis was totalled by a drunk boy racer doing more than a ton.  As a result of the impact, first with the Nissan GT-R and then with a tree, three people in the BYD e6 were killed.

Of most concern for BYD, though, was the fact that the taxi caught fire, adding another page to the chapter that is Fire Incidents in Electric and Hybrid Vehicles.

Then, on Monday, a BYD K9 (yes, this initial is capitalised in contradistinction to the other one) electric bus was in collision with a car, again in Shenzhen, while undergoing road tests. Again, there were fatalities, with two people in the car losing their life.

Of most concern to BYD this time will be the fact that both vehicles belonged to BYD and that the accident happened on its test track. The two people who died were in fact meant to be monitoring the bus trial.

Moral of the story? You don’t have to be drunk to kill someone while in charge of a vehicle in China, but it helps. Or, as a US state trooper might say, DWI and DWC are a powerful combination indeed.        

Maggie Says No to Lying in State

                                         This lady is for burning

Dickens’s Pugnacity

Having completed my reading of the Dickens’s novelistic canon (with the exception of Barnaby Rudge and the final three Christmas books), I am in a position to start a series of reflections on perhaps England’s best known, if not her best, novelist.      

To kick off, here are a couple of passages from the man responsible for the Encyclopædia Britannica entry on Dickens, GK Chesterton, highlighting the writer’s warrior-like make-up.

‘This world can be made beautiful again by beholding it as a battlefield. When we have defined and isolated the evil thing, the colours come back into everything else. When evil things have become evil, good things, in a blazing apocalypse, become good. There are some men who are dreary because they do not believe in God; but there are many others who are dreary because they do not believe in the devil. The grass grows green again when we believe in the devil, the roses grow red again when we believe in the devil. No man was more filled with the sense of this bellicose basis of all cheerfulness than Dickens. He knew very well the essential truth, that the true optimist can only continue an optimist so long as he is discontented. For the full value of this life can only be got by fighting; the violent take it by storm. And if we have accepted everything, we have missed something -- war. This life of ours is a very enjoyable fight, but a very miserable truce. And it appears strange to me that so few critics of Dickens or of other romantic writers have noticed this philosophical meaning in the undiluted villain. The villain is not in the story to be a character; he is there to be a danger -- a ceaseless, ruthless, and uncompromising menace, like that of wild beasts or the sea.’ (Charles Dickens, 1906)

‘The Chimes is a monument of Dickens's honourable quality of pugnacity. He could not admire anything, even peace, without wanting to be warlike about it. That was all as it should be.’ (‘Christmas Books’ in Appreciations and Criticisms of the Works of Charles Dickens, 1911)

Reflections on Patriotism

"When rulers are wicked they may by propaganda encourage a demoniac condition of our sentiments in order to secure our acquiescence in their wickedness. That is one reason why we private persons should keep a wary eye on the health or disease of our own love for our country."

Wicked rulers? A totalitarian government is unlikely to produce good ones.

Use of propaganda? Control and deception is a central plank of all total systems.

Demoniac condition of sentiments? Whipping up feelings against an external enemy is a tried and tested modus operandi of totalitarian governments.

Diseased love for our country? Patriotism is not a good in itself; it is like medicine, which can be used for good or bad purposes. (The Greeks had the same word for medicine and poison.)

       

(The passage comes from CS Lewis's The Four Loves.)

Not Enough Attention as a CC-hild

Around a year ago, we acquired a new Corporate Communications Director – the third in three months. It wasn’t the best bit of business we’ve ever dome in the M&A line, as the woman has turned out to have every negative quality in the C-suite portfolio, AKA the Four Is – Illiteracy, Innumeracy, Irrationality and Insecurity – counterbalanced by absolutely no positive qualities whatsoever.

CCD, as she likes to style herself (her latest email is headed “CCD is on leave 2-3 April”), has also taken out a lifetime subscription with the School of Posturing and Parading, getting a particular kick out of sending off emails in the middle of the night, two of her most recent being time-stamped  at 12.49am and 02.21am .

CCD suffers from another common Hong Kong ailment, Planophobia. Planophobia manifests itself in various ways, but common manifestations include sending an email + attachment which is followed half an hour later by another email telling you to ignore the previous attachment and attaching another. 

Another manifestation is the instruction to prepare a document (it could be a proposal, it could be an award entry – a pox be upon their money-grubbing houses!) which everybody (presumably including her) knows will never be used.       

I don’t suppose I have to mention the very first lesson taught on the induction course all local managers attend, namely, the need to wait until it is 5 o’clock before passing tasks onto your staff, even (especially, indeed) when the task was ready at 10am that same morning.

But, back to that most recent email, which, characteristically, she sent after “Close of Play”, as she loves to call it, on the last working day before Easter, so that everyone lucky enough to be VPN-free would be unable to read it until she was already on holiday.      

As may be expected, it comes in two parts (“main bit followed by bit I forgot to put in the first bit”), and, perhaps unexpectedly, it is worth reading – though not for the reasons she would choose.     

First bit

Dear All, [note the personal touch]

I’ll be on leave from 2-3 April 2013 [in case we have forgotten the year]. Kindly continue to copy me on emails as I will be checking them from time to time. In case of emergency, I can be reached through CCD’s office at xxxx-xxxx or on WhatsApp [OMG!].

Happy Easter! [Ugh!]

Second bit

Dear All,

My mobile phone will still be functioning when I am out of town, so do not hesitate to phone me when you need my urgent help. [Love, your “urgent help” is about as welcome as a Hong Kong deputy to the National People's Congress with a conscience]

Best regards, [What, no “Happy Easter”?]

If you want to be really helpful, CC (if I may), stay away till Christmas.

Maria Tam Explains Failure to Distinguish between Allegiance and Accountability in CE Oath

                          Come on, la! They both mean lick Beijing ass

Top Five APIs Hong Kongers Want to See

My spiel on the blight that is the Hong Kong Government Announcement in the Public Interest (API) generated a veritable whirlwind of reaction and some ideas for future offerings. Here are the best. Or should that be the worst?

1.  "Beat the Germans – bag your seat now"

Last month, I went to the MacDonald’s in Mei Foo only to discover one man sitting in between two of the tables served by the plastic sofa running along the wall. On the seat to his left he had spread a newspaper and on the seat to his right he had placed his bag. This is the first time I had come across a single person trying to save not just one but two tables, and this fellow deserves to be honoured accordingly.

2.  "Show you’re really busy: send emails at 2am"

Working a 15-hour day is so yesterday. In the same way that no self-respecting C-Suite gives their subordinates work when it’s ready but waits until 5pm with the instruction that it needs to be done the same day, so no would-be executive director sends emails on work they’ve been asked to comment on until the early hours of the morning. What else is a VPN for?

3. "Drivers, you’ve got a stick that makes an orange light flash: use it"

Remember what they taught you when you were learning to drive: Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre? Well, just do it! Let the other drivers do the anticipating and thinking, and move out of your way. If you’re entering a highway from a slip road, this can be especially fun, as, with a little bit of luck, you’ll see in your rear-view mirror what happens when vehicle in lane 1 moves into vehicle in lane 2 and vehicle in lane 2 into  vehicle in lane 3.

4. "Wash your hands thoroughly with a 1:99 diluted bleach solution after handling bird droppings"

Birds are the government man’s best friend. They carry diseases which can be rolled out as a distraction when irritations such as public dissent about the way the Chief Executive is to be “elected” after being nominated by a broadly representative nominating committee in accordance with democratic procedures inconveniences civil servants and means they can only take a two-hour lunch break instead of their usual three-hour one. (On edit – "Ullie, don't forget the fun and games we’ve got planned for the 'election' of the Legislative Council in 2020 – Information Services Department of HKSAR Government")

5. "You have a voice – use it"

No less an authority than Jesus Christ himself told us that we should shout it from the rooftops. And notice that he didn’t say what we should shout – just “it”. And “it”, as those with a pair of Nike trainers know, means everything. At least, my pair mean everything to me, even though they were fakes I picked up in Sports Shoe Street in Mong Kok.

The Hong Kong Government API. You know it makes sense.

No Surprises as Male Porn Habits Revealed

Britain’s Daily Telegraph has confirmed what we all knew anyway, namely, that Brits and Yanks like to do it with old maternal types, or, given the number of teenage pregnancies in both places, women who merely look old. What is called a MILF in the trade.

Unwittingly, perhaps, the Telegraph offers some useful travel advice for those planning trips to Ukraine and Iran. In a nutshell, don’t pack the raincoat and avoid public baths – certainly don’t be the one to volunteer when the soap hits the floor.

Romania is a safer option, but it’s probably better not to travel in family groups, or, taking a leaf out of Abraham’s book when he was on a trip from Egypt to Israel, to pretend that you “Mom” is actually someone else entirely.

Of course, what the Telegraph was too coy to reveal were the findings from Wales.

Although these have low statistical validity, on account of the sample size being rather smaller than for other countries (computer ownership and internet usage being far lower than in all countries surveyed apart from Haiti, Sierra Leone and the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea), the most popular search term by far was “sheep”, closely followed by “K-Y Jelly”.

So, probably best to leave your pets at home if venturing across the Severn Bridge.

Put a Stop to Viewer Abuse – Say No to Government APIs!

The Hong Kong Government may have renamed it a humble “TV announcement”, but the API (Announcement in the Public Interest) is very much alive and kicking, unlike some of the people who it was designed to protect, notably a couple in their 60s who were decapitated by their son earlier in the month.

The 29-year-old obviously hadn’t been watching the telly the night they showed “Love and Filial Piety”, although there’s a fair chance he sat through “Put a stop to elder abuse”, even if only to get a few ideas about how to dispose of the evidence after the deed had been done, while marvelling at his government's ability to create nonsensical titles for its playthings.

According to the Chinese-language press, as a young boy, Henry Chau Hoi Leung wasn’t allowed to play outside but was made to play the piano instead. According to his warped, API-less view of the world, this led to him growing up a lot shorter than other lads. And we all know what the potent cocktail of stunted growth and API deprivation leads to - heads in the fridge. But only, of course, if you have first had it inspected in accordance with the instructions for “Proper use and maintenance of electrical appliances”.

Moving swiftly past “Beware of the touting activities of recovery agents”, we arrive via “Acceptance of New Arrivals” (“Stop hating Mainlanders, we are all part of the same family”) to “Transform Tomorrow Today”, a plaintive elegy to the enormous sums of money thrown away in Hong Kong on useless research projects which mirror the government’s expenditure on APIs.

When the best in R&D a place of 7 million people sitting on unlimited funding can come up with is LED street lamps, an RFID baggage system and a hand robot for rehabilitation, you have to feel sorry for the poor sod who has to sound convincing when he says  “We’ve got the results in research and development”.

But I leave the best until last. And this one’s showing at the moment, so if you’re quick you can see it in glorious widescreen technicolour. As usual, the title gives away the particular aspect of unacceptable or anti-social behaviour which the omnipotent moral busybodies in government would like to sweep under the carpet.

“Respect different values: embrace different views” is a bit more ambitious in scope than your average API in that it lifts the rug up on no fewer than three occasions to trivialise racism, religious intolerance and spousal abuse, while – with almost criminal irresponsibility – giving selfish bastards license to scream, when any other sentient being in the universe understands that a) if you’re sitting next to someone on the bus, there’s no requirement to shout at them and b) the telephone is a marvellous invention, not least because it means that it’s the technology that does the talking for you.

I haven’t posted a poll for a little while, so I invite you to guess how many APIs the Hong Kong Government is owning up to having produced in the last ten years: 201,  301,  401 or 501?

How to Cancel Cable TV in 6 Easy Steps

This is a public service message for those of you who watch the English Premier League in the comfort of your own home and who have not previously dealt with the mother and father of shitty companies, Cable TV. I was joking about the ‘easy’.

Here is what you need to know and to do to terminate your “service” in the event that the contract is shortly to expire. If I’ve forgotten anything, or there are any handy tips, out there, please wang in a comment.

1)  Notification of cancellation must be made on Cable TV’s special form, which is not available for download on their website, but which must be obtained from them (by fax, as a result of a phone call – if you’re lucky; it worked last time, but not this) or from one of their shops – safer.

2)  The form must be faxed to Cable TV on 2112-7723.

3) Good luck if you call the Cable TV hotline (183-2832) or their “Privilege Customer Service Department” (183-2819). Last time (5-6 years ago) I cancelled with these scumbags, I managed to get the hotline operator to fax me a form, but this time, he first said he didn’t speak English, then refused to put me through to an English speaker, then, when I got a Cantonese-speaking colleague to talk to him, he cited the Privacy Ordinance as a reason for refusing to proceed with the transaction and fax the form.

4) So, it’s probably better to go to one of their five shops (one on the Island, one in Sha Tin, two in Kowloon, and one in a place called Tseung Kwan O).

I took the train and spoke to a nice fellow in Sham Shui Po called Frankie Wong and he faxed the form in for me. They will ask you why you want to terminate the service. “Leaving Hong Kong” is probably the best response, as more creative answers may be used against you.

5) The bloke in the shop may well ask you, as Frankie did, to call their wretched hotline. This is to confirm that they have received the form. Probably best to comply even if you want to hit him over the head instead.

6) They will then send you a letter of confirmation of cancellation, asking you to take the decoder and the remote control to one of their shops. This is what domestic helpers are for, if you have one.

THE END

(hopefully)

Wen Jiabao Ups the Ante in Patriotism Debate

           Do I love the Motherland? Off shore … I mean, Of course!